Why be consistent with children

Act early and prevent poor behaviour from escalating is the best approach. Consistency also means both parents in a dual parent family get to act together and respond in similar ways when children are less than perfect. Children learn from a young age to play one parent off against the other when their standards differ or communication is poor.

Sole parents need to be consistent with how they react when children behave poorly. A consistent approach is shown through a clear set of limits and boundaries that provide kids with structure and teaches them how to behave.

Children like limits and they also like to push against boundaries. One study has shown that kids will push parental boundaries about one third of the time. Some toddlers, teens and other tricky types will push twice that amount, which is very hard work indeed. When parents are tired, stretched and overworked the last thing we want to do is engage in a battle with a strong-willed child over what are sometimes petty issues.

Besides, consistency can make a well-meaning parent who values relationships feel downright awful. But giving in rather than holding your ground is not a smart long-term strategy. If you give in occasionally kids will learn that if they push hard enough, or give that winning smile, you will eventually give in. Consistency is about being strong. It takes some backbone to be consistent. The process of reading it out loud reinforces your new techniques and rules.

Then you put them into practice. There are parenting programs, classes, support groups and professionals out there who can help you. Parents ask me if they should sit down with their kids immediately and tell them what the new household rules are.

I think that the last thing that you want to do is make a big announcement to your kids about all the changes that will be taking place, and then not follow through. Instead, the first thing you should do is start instituting your new rules.

Expect resistance, depending upon the age of your child. If your children are older, expect arguments and door-slamming. Although it might not feel like it at the time, these are all signs that your new techniques are working.

Your child might push back, but stick to your guns. After you start to successfully implement the new laws in your home, you can begin to talk to your kids about the changes. So from now on, curfew means curfew. If you come in two minutes after curfew or one minute after curfew, there will be consequences. If you come in on curfew or before, there will be a reward—and the rewards is that you get to go out again next Saturday night. Your room has to be clean by this time. Homework has to be done by this time.

Your grades have to be maintained at this level in order for you to drive or to go out on the weekends at night. The older the child, the more resistance you will face. Expect to be tested. In fact, whether your child is four or fourteen, expect to be tested. Am I being consistent about the right things? Remember, parenting, just like childhood, is a dynamic that keeps developing.

It takes constant readjustments, flexibility and firmness. The benefits of consistent parenting are that your child will internalize your rules and values over time and learn to do things with simple reminders rather than conflict. Janet Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. A veteran social worker, she specializes in child behavior issues — ranging from anger management and oppositional defiance to more serious criminal behavior in teens. You must log in to leave a comment.

Don't have an account? Create one for free! We appreciate you. You may also. Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents. Think about the religious disciplines—a big part of all of them is doing the same practices over time, consistently.

It's not just for misbehavior. Consistency is part of the structure of your child's life. It's the reliability of a weekly schedule, a set bedtime, a ritual birthday breakfast, and traditional holidays.

It almost doesn't matter what the routine is—consistency gives your entire family something to rely on and lean against. If you promise a special treat, a consequence, a vacation, or special time together, then do it. Don't promise it unless you're going to deliver. Maintain that trust. Consistency applies to more than consequences. All of discipline must be consistent. Consistency is part of the structure of your family—your values, your rules, your limits, your consequences, your unconditional love.

Kids get the message, and learn from it, when consequences are inevitable for certain behaviors. Don't set a rule, limit, or consequence unless you're going to be consistent in enforcing it. Easier said than done, especially if:.